The Empty Nest

Your children are born - a huge life changing event if ever there was one and a time full of joy, anxiety and everything else in between. We look at friends with older children, some long for their children to be that age (I remember looking at a friend with a three year old and thinking how OLD the child was!). Others long for them to remain babies - whatever your longings, the fact is children DO grow up and they DO spread their wings....

As a parent, the anxiety, the desire for your child to succeed, the pride, the irritation never goes away, whatever their age! My children are now 18 and 20. My daughter is at university and loving it, making token guest appearances at home for clothes washing, feeding and sleep. My son has just finished school after A levels and is somewhat lost at the moment, taking a ‘gap' year at home after boarding for five years...

Whatever your situation, a child leaving home can be so stressful. Maybe you've looked forward to some free time, but often when the time comes it can feel like a limb has been wrenched off, you just don't feel complete anymore.

On the lead up to your child leaving home lots of your time may be taken up with helping them to get themselves ready, teaching them how to boil an egg, how to make ‘spag bol', how to use the washing machine, where to find the vacuum cleaner, how to manage money - growing up is an endless list of sometimes boring but essential knowledge!

It can help to talk about the next huge step in all your lives. After all, this isn't just about you as a parent, this is a young, perhaps very uncertain, but undoubtedly excited young person stepping out on their own, often to the great unknown. Arguments are almost inevitable, but try to help them not to feel guilty about the journey on which they're about to embark. Often children will feel that they're ‘abandoning' you, especially if you're a single parent. Be supportive but firm in your resolve - sometimes one has to be a little cruel to be kind and giving them the wrong impression of ‘real life' is NOT a good idea!

They may be going to uni, or travelling the world on a gap year; perhaps going straight to work. Wherever it is, it's all new, exciting and daunting - for all of you!

So, they've gone. You may well feel shock, it's a form of grieving, after all it's very probable that this child has been with you for at least 18 years with only the odd holiday or weekend away. Let them know that you are there for them. Text messages are marvellous for keeping in touch - enough to let them know you're thinking of them, not enough to be intrusive or even embarrassing in front of their friends!
The flip side of the coin is that there may well be other children still at home, so adaptation is the name of the game - try not to over compensate and suffocate them with over attention.

So how about you? Rediscover your relationships perhaps! Not only with your partner/spouse and the rest of your family, but maybe with friends who've taken a back seat during the busy time that is bringing up children. Mainly perhaps, rediscover YOURSELF. As a parent this relationship sure can take a battering without one realising it! Make plans for the weeks after they have moved out. Think about what YOU want. This may be strange and guilt-inducing at first, but with practice (and more mental and physical space) it gets easier - believe me!

And don't forget that if they are at college/uni they WILL be back - the old boomerang syndrome! This too can be difficlult once you've adjusted to your own space. Suddenly the space is filled with what seem to be extremely large, and often noisy young people. Personally I love it, but have to admit to a little stab of relief to have my space back!

The more you as the adult can prepare them for what lies ahead, and treat them as an adult, the bigger and better the favour you'll be bestowing upon them. So enjoy their younger years, because suddenly they spread their wings and in what often usually feels like a blink of an eye, they're inviting you round to their pad for ‘spag bol'!