Singled Out - Divorce and the Single Parent

Very few of us deliberately set out in life to be single parents. We may come to single parenthood through different routes - be it through an accidental pregnancy, a divorce or the death of our partner - and our situations are all as unique as the people who shaped them. Yet we do have on thing in common: we are making these choices and facing these issues on our own.

We may be on our own, but we're not alone. In the UK today, there are 1.9 million single parents, caring for 3.1 million children* and that number looks set to grow.

My transformation into a single parent came about through the decision by my ex- husband and myself to divorce, after just 4 years of marriage. My first feeling was one of overwhelming relief - relief that we had finally been brave enough to make a decision that would hopefully herald happier times for the two of us and our little girls, who were just 1 and 3 at the time.

Then reality set in, and my optimism vanished. From being a stay-at-home mum with no money worries in a world of toddler groups and coffee mornings, I was suddenly thrown into a world of divorce lawyers, house-hunting and attempting to claw my way back into the workplace. The sudden loneliness, when the children were in bed or away with their father and I faced another evening alone, was almost unbearable. From being amicable, our relationship degenerated into shouted recriminations and curt emails. Most upsetting of all was the guilt that somehow I'd failed my daughters by being unable to give them what I thought they needed most - a happy, united family. It was a disaster from which I could never see us recovering.

While we're weathering our own emotional storm, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that our children, too, go through a flurry of emotions during a separation or divorce. Depending on their age, they're likely to feel just as angry and resentful as we do, or feel guilty that they have in some way caused our problems, or could have prevented them. Above all, they feel insecure - how often will they see mummy or daddy? Where will they live? We can tend to dwell very much in our own heads at this difficult time, but taking on board what your children are feeling too will often help you to find a solution that works best for you all.

I found myself swamped with advice, all well-meaning. Some I took to heart, some I found hard to swallow. But I can honestly say, hand on heart, that the best pieces of wisdom for anyone starting out as a single parent are the simplest:

Kill negative vibes - children are very quick to pick up on criticism, conflict and anxiety. Even though they know that mummy and daddy aren't living together any more, if they see you getting on well, they feel reassured and secure. Put simply, if you're happy, they're happy.

If you're stressed and miserable, so are they.
Keep the door open - never use access to your children, or communication with your ex-partner, as a means of punishing or manipulating them.

Keep arguments out of sight - if you find yourselves getting drawn into an argument in front of your children, agree a time to talk later out of the children's earshot. This will also give you time to think things over and cool down, and approach the problem with a level head.

Avoid the blame game - Don't keep going over what went wrong. Children hate being forced to take sides between their parents, and will often end up blaming themselves for your split and problems.

Give kids a voice - involve your children in decisions about their new domestic arrangements, without bombarding them with details or forcing them to make difficult choices. If they get to shape their future, they won't feel frustrated that they have no control over their lives.

Don't bottle it up - find a way to talk through your frustrations and concerns, with someone - a friend, relative, colleague, your doctor or one of your children's teachers. There are also several organisations set up by single parents for single parents to vent their frustrations, offer advice and even meet up for activities, with or without the children!

The next step.....mediation and divorce

We've all heard of divorce horror stories and custody battles that get played out in court to the tune of hundred of thousands of pounds, but that's not the whole story. Today there are several alternatives to going to court, which can save you time and money, not mention acrimony:

Family mediation involves an impartial mediator who will listen to the issues facing you and help you to explore solutions, be it for financial maintenance or custody and co-parenting arrangements. Your mediator then prepares a Memorandum of Understanding summing up what you have agreed, which can then form the basis of a legally enforceable Agreement or Court order drafted by your solicitors - meaning you can avoid the expense of involving solicitors from the start.

A relatively new way of dealing with all kinds of family disputes, collaborative family law aims to avoid going to court at all. Each party has their own solicitor, but instead of your solicitor conducting negotiations between you and your partner by email, letters or by ‘phone, which takes up time and money, you all meet together to work things out face to face.

What's in store for the future?

The happy truth is that all of us, especially children, are extremely resilient and with love and support, we can heal remarkably quickly. A few years down the line, my daughters have adapted with ease and confidence to new schools, homes and friends, and joining their father's blended family. Together, we've been able to give them not just one, but two happy families. Many children of divorced parents say that they felt that the experience taught them a kind of self-reliance and resilience, and gave them the tools to cope with difficult situations in later life. I've learned that it doesn't need to be the kind of life-shattering disaster that I imagined at the outset.

An analogy that I read recently rang very true. A divorced mother was comparing the ups and downs of a separation involving children to the experience of international travel with children. You don't know what to expect, she said, except the unexpected, but you hope that you'll be able to help your children learn from the experience, become flexible and adapt to a new ‘culture'. Well, it's been a tough journey. And we're all still learning.

Further support and information:
Gingerbread www.gingerbread.org.uk
Run by single parents for single parents and offers a free helpline, advice and support.
Netmums www.netmums.com
Has a section devoted to single parents, offering advice, support networks and other information.

* source: Gingerbread

Article written for Winter 2009 issue by Rosalind Kazi