Finding the Time and Getting the Balance
It can be tough being a parent, you don't need me to tell you...
When I first became pregnant I really didn't know one end of a baby from the other, I'd worked all my adult life and was a ‘career girl'. First thing I did after the joy, incredulity and panic was to join my local NCT group. If anyone could help me, they could!
My two are now in their late teens and they are both my friends. I thank God and the NCT for this, but the eternal question is how to balance the work/life equation?
We all want to do the best for our children, but parents need time off too. Harry wants to go to football, Louise has her dance class and Patrick needs to get to rugby - all at the same time!
Try to prioritise, not so easy when there's more than one child, but they too need to see that you are a person with needs, and that if you can have a break, you'll be a better mum/dad for it.
Do something for yourself: go out for lunch, get your hair done, go to a class (there are always crèches available), play tennis, phone a friend for a laugh/whinge/cry - whatever it takes! Just a few hours out can leave you feeling refreshed, relaxed and ready to take life on again.
Burnout when children are very young is a killer - no sleep, or very little, probably not eating properly, demands from husband/wife, children, shopping to be done...a seemingly endless list, which can be completely overwhelming. And when the kids get older you become the taxi service extraordinaire.
If you're a working parent (as in a salary in return for your effort) this can be even harder. Trying to juggle life can turn into a nightmare if you don't make time for you. Somehow you just disappeared to the bottom of the pile. We all need a balance of relationships, rest, relaxation and fun (leisure), interests (talent), intellect (mind), self belief and self esteem (spirit), physical health, fitness and appearance (body) and financial needs (money).
Here are a few strategies and suggestions to create a balance in life and a happier you...
Talk about your feelings: Sharing your feelings with others and being listened to can help enormously. The very act of trying to put how you feel into words helps you think more clearly about a situation and can help cut the problem down to size. If there's nobody you feel you can turn to, call or email a helpline. By talking to others, you can get fresh perspectives on what's going on in your life.
Write it down: Putting whatever is troubling you into words can help you to think more clearly and cut problems down to size. Keep a pen and paper by the bed, so if you're having a bad night, you've got something to do and it also helps with planning the next day.
Keep active and eat well: Physical activity is a proven way to keep well. Exercise makes you feel better immediately through the release of uplifting chemicals into your body. And even half an hour's brisk walk every other day can make all the difference. A balanced diet is essential to maintaining good health. We can all feel low, anxious or unable to cope from time to time, they're all normal responses to life's challenges. However, if these feelings go on for more than a couple of weeks, do seek professional support. See your GP and be clear about how you feel. It can be hard to express yourself properly in the short time doctors have to see us, so again, write down what you want to say before you go.
Change the scene: It's so easy to end up in ‘stewing' in the same place for long periods, especially if you've got young children and the weather's foul! Try moving to a different room for a while or, even better, go out for a walk, meet a friend or get granny to look after the children and dogs and have a weekend away. This will improve your mood, clear your head and make it easier to see negative thoughts for what they are. And what's really important here is the fact that if we change our thinking, our mood, our emotions and therefore our behaviour change with it.
Find a hobby, learn a new skill or get involved with others: Not only will this boost your self-confidence, it could also take your mind off your worries as well as allowing you to meet new people Don't stand on the sidelines! Find a way to get involved and make a contribution, however little, at home, at work or in the community. People are often happiest when helping others and therefore feeling fulfilled themself.
Improve your coping skills: Through yoga, perhaps, or meditation, learn to relax, control breathing, combat negative thoughts (thereby triggering the positive cycle above), change your diet, exercise, think through problems, talk and share worries - the list is endless.
Keep an eye on personal stress: Some pressure is unavoidable and some can be motivating, but if you're worrying a lot, eating a lot more or a lot less, or feeling ‘on edge' all the time then you should take a step back and consider how much pressure you are under and act accordingly. You're not the only one in the equation! Ask for help, whether it's a husband, friend, doctor, children.
And if you seem to be spending more time at work than at home, put out your boundaries and within reason leave on time.
Set realistic goals: Last but certainly not least, think about yourself. Even the most ambitious and complex tasks can be broken down into smaller, more manageable chunks. Take five minutes in the morning or last thing at night to set and write down realistic, achievable goals for the next day. They don't have to be huge, but DO include some time for yourself! Don't feel bad if you have to change your plans along the way as long as you're clear on the reasons why. Remember to congratulate yourself every time a goal is reached!
Too many of us put off something that brings us joy just because we haven't thought about it, didn't have it on our schedule, or are too rigid to depart from our routine. This is so sad and so detrimental to a work/life balance. Putting off people, places, events that would make us happy and enrich our lives is the curse of 21st century living. Have you ever thought how lovely it would be to see your greatest friend who lives 200 miles away, but you've ‘never got round to it, because...'? Ever wanted to go to Australia/Borneo/bungee jumping?
We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! Of course, they never are, and never will be, because life isn't like that.
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get the toddler potty-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the dining room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of university. When, when, when...
It doesn't matter how old the children are, whatever stage of life we're at, we need to take stock and get a balance. When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Have you ever said to your child, ‘We'll do it tomorrow'? And in your haste, not seen his sorrow? Have you ever lost touch with a good friend?
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. So strive to do something to redress the balance, ‘carpe diem' is truly something for us all to heed.
Article written for Summer 2008 issue by
Annie Watsham
Forward Life Coaching
Farthings
High Street
Cranbrook
Kent TN17 3DT
Tel: 01580 720559
Mob: 07970 413492
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